Phew. 2020. The saying hindsight is 2020. I don’t think anyone (maybe) saw that coming. In any event, we’re beyond it. While 2021 is beginning as a continuation and may be even a little more surreal (e.g. WTF US?) I’m ready to get to work. On me. On my riding. On my writing.
For those just joining my journey – it’s been a twisted path of what you’d expect life is. Good, bad. Up, down. Joy, sorrow. Wins, losses. I’ve come to realize that balance is more than just black and white. Balance is insight. Balance is anger. Balance is mindfulness as much as it is selfishness. Not to digress, but one word for this year is Balance.
I’ve also decided to be honest with myself and my story. Letting go of trauma is a big key goal of mine this year so that I stop living in the past. Decades of living childhood trauma that is still scary to put on paper. I’ve let it go though and am not living in that place anymore. Years of living the moment of a scary car accident — I’m in the process of letting that go — it no longer serves me. Realizing that I was living two years ago when I lost my first horse, Carter, and fell off my new horse Bentley (fka Beckett). It was keeping me in the past. I realized it was my excuse for not progressing with Bentley — because he’s not Carter, because if I don’t progress I don’t have to forget he’s not Carter. How F’d is that? Goodness the mind is a messy place when you let it be. So… goodbye 2019, hello 2021. Literally, I was not cantering on Bentley because of 2019. Guess what, I cantered. Yesterday. Baby steps. My mind is extroverted and introverted. I was telling myself I was afraid. I wasn’t afraid — it was apprehension. Apprehension of moving forward beyond the loss and pain. While it’s not completely gone — it feels great! I was also, simultaneously, telling myself YOU ARE A THIRD LEVEL RIDER — WHY are you letting yourself digress to a beginner? YOU HAVE THIS. Like I said — the mind is messy.
So, here I sit with two planners, a journal, and a new exercise program that starts tomorrow. Apprehension is a feeling that I’m sitting with… embracing… getting all comfy, cushy with so I can flow with it and through it. (Don’t get me started with the craziness that is the world… I’d need a whole other blog for that insanity).
Be with your feelings. Let go of the past. Balance. Serendipity. And, Canter your little heart out!